About what? Well I really have no idea. About how I constatly feel like I take two steps forward just to take four steps back. This isn’t a negitive post, but just a self aware one. I’m trying to forgive but something in me just feels like I’m lying? And why? I don’t know, I feel like I’m always the one looking like the fool because I really am just too nice. I’m stuck between being a child and being an adult. I want to run away to neverland sometimes and others I’m throwing myself out of the nest and into adulthood. And I’m willingly going without knowing if I’m fully prepared. I feel like when I started going into adulthood and quickly relying less on others and way more one myself I missed something. Some valuable lesson that I was supposed to know, I missed completely. Up until this post I felt like I had it all figured out and now I am just more confused than ever. But it’s out, I’ll figure it out.
So I’m sitting here in the back room of Spencer’s, I have about a half hour before I start my shift for the night and I’m just thinking.. adding up my expenses and what not and I just feel really good about how far I’ve come and how I’ve gotten myself to this point without very much help. I am able to finally take care of myself with minimal help from others and it just makes me happy. Sure I’m always stressed, sure I have bags under my eyes 99% of the time, and of course I rarely ever have free time but that’s okay. I’m a supervisor of a store I love, hopefully moving out soon, able to pay my own bills and help others around me, and I would like to go back to school in the fall, I just have no idea what for. I’m just happy, and so very much in love with my life and my family and friends. But let’s not forget the man who has stuck by me for 7 years on the 22nd. I’d be nowhere without him, and I love him dearly.
It’s weird huh? How I’ve been preaching so long about how I want to be away from this place yet when presented with he opportunity to leave I get choked up and have a similar reaction to a deer in headlights. It’s not that I want to stay here, no. Because I don’t but no matter how much YOU hate Florida, it does hold a piece of my heart and it always will. This place has watched me fall flat on my face and get up and do it all over again, several times, until I finally found the person I think I am supposed to be. I am finally finding my place and now I have to leave and start from square one all over again? I guess it’s like the Boy Meets World episode where Topanga is afraid to leave because she knows how her own world works inside her comfort zone, she knows if she stays she can continue to be successful, and I have the same fear. At this point in time life is good, and I am flourishing, what happens if I leave, go to another city in another state, in another part of the country? Can I be just as successful there as I am here? Without the support and love of my friends and family? It’s a scary reailty for me right now but this has been the first time I can actually put it into thoughts and words and it feels nice.
I want to leave, I do, believe me. But what about my family? I have a hard time picking up and going when I know my mom will take it really hard, me being the first born and all, and what about my sisters? You now, the ones I barely see and I technically live in the same house as them. Yeah, what about them? Fourteen and sixteen is a weird stage in life, where I am supposed to guide them and instead I’d be leaving? And I said I’d save ALL my money so they could come with but Kayla just found her own life with her own boyfriend who makes her happy, who am I to take that away from her? And as for my mom, didn’t she move down here for a reason? So escape the cold that the north provides?
And what about my best friend? We just found the relationship we’ve spent six years looking for. We are honestly the same people in different bodies. We say the same things as the same time and even do the same laugh sigh. I can’t imagine her thousands of miles away. I can’t imagine not hanging out and only seeing her a couple times a year. We JUST figured this whole thing out, out of SIX years and we finally got this right. And now I need to leave?
Blah. Seriously one of the hardest things in my life ever, right now. I am torn and I know I don’t have to decide right now or even this month. However this just hangs over my head constantly. I guess I just need someone to tell me it will all be okay and this is just a part of growing up..
